Bec:
This is Captain Remus of the Starship Razor. Identify yourselves immediately or be destroyed.

Spemin:
It is useless to pretend that you are not afraid of us. We are the death-dealing Spemin, and I am the famous formidiable Captain Ghu. Doubtless you have heard of of me. You mask your fear well, but not well enough.

Bec:
Prepare to die, alien scum! Our patience wears thin. We shall give you 3 minutes in which to cooperate. If you do not ... ha ha ha!

Spemin:
It is plain that you are terrified of us. In fact, you wish to beg us not to harm you. Is this not so? (y/n)

Bec:
(n)

Spemin:
Your race again demonstrates this insane need to annihilate itself. In a moment we shall use our secret weapon and you shall become an example to the galaxy.

Bec:
We have heard enough of your inane ranting. You will tell us what we wish to know or we will destroy you. You have little time left.

Spemin:
Enough jabbering. It is time for a glorious Spemin victory!
-breaks communications-

Bec:
(flees, because she just remembered she hasn't actually gotten around to purchasing weapons for her ship yet)

Orbit established.

Scanning...

MASS:4 x 10²⁴ tons
Bio: 0
Min: 15

ATMOSPHERE: CH4, NH3, AR
HYDROSPHERE: WATER
LITHOSPHERE: PLUTONIUM, CHROMIUM, TITANIUM

Hmm. That might not be bad to land on. Plutonium's worth a lot of money, and even as low as 15% of the planet being composed of those minerals could be worthwhile, cause I have the mineral scanner 2, and I see all.

ANALYSIS OF LAST READING

OBJECT: PLANET
ORBIT NUMBER: 4
PREDOMINANT SURFACE: GAS
GRAVITY: 72.3G
ATMOSPHERIC DENSITY: VERY THICK
TEMPERATURE: SUB-ARCTIC TO TEMPERATE
GLOBAL WEATHER: EXTREMELY VIOLENT

PULSE CANNON
TRI-CANNON
BUZZ BOMBS
FUSION BLASTER
LANCE

-DONE-

Spemin:
Notice how we toy mercilessly with you. This is the fate of all who oppose the Spemin. Prepare for our unstoppable attack.

Bec:
You fools! You risk the wrath of the people of Arth!

Spemin:
You are envious of us and you have come to learn from the Spemin masters. Is this not true? (y/n)

Bec:
(n)

Spemin:
Prepare for excruciating pain. Unbearable agony. The most horrible of deaths. The most unimaginable torture. Any moment now we shall attack.

Bec:
Prepare to die, alien scum!

Spemin:
We believe that you are truly a kind and peaceful race who would not really harm us. This is true isn't it? (y/n)

Bec:
(n)

Spemin:
Of course we were just joking about blowing you to pieces. Smerg smerg smerg, isn't that a funny joke?

Bec:
(raises shields)

Spemin:
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease don't hurt us, oh greatest of species. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease! Think of our wives and little blobbies back home!

Bec:
(arms weapons)

Spemin:
Oh! Flash of inspiration! We now see that you are right and we are wrong. Spemin are bad, bad! Thank goodness we have seen this in time. Now we can be friends.

Bec:
(terminates communications)

-blows the three Spemin warships to smithereens and scavenges their remains for usable materials-

Fuck. They're not much on individualism, but they're bugger naughty. Outgunned and outnumbered. It's time to grovel.

G R O V E L! What does that spell? OBSEQUIOUS!

Bec:
Hail oh mighty ones, masters of the universe. We bow to your wonderful magnificence and ask that you do not harm our insignificant selves.

Veloxi:
We is Veloxi the Everyday. I being Captain Puxvo of the exceptionally pleasant Vessel Zetzi. Now perhaps the information exchanging.

Bec:
Please do not blast us into atomic particles. Take pity on us who are not fit to grovel in your waste products. (ew)

Veloxi:
Not trying the funny stuff alien trespassers. Superior Veloxi the most powerful.

Bec:
We are truly not worth your trouble to destroy. We want only to bathe in your ever-spewing fountain of knowledge. (ew x 2)

Veloxi:
You are coming to worship of Illustrious Queen of Veloxi grand lovely? (y/n)

Bec:
(y)

Veloxi:
If you is showing proper respect for distinguished Veloxi charming then everyone is happy as bivalve mollusk.

Bec:
-terminates communications and flees while they're in a good mood-

Gazurtoid:
Repent, air breathers! Repent! The hour of judgement is at hand!

Bec:
-nothing, tries to look nonthreatening-

Gazurtoid:
And lo, unto them it was said ye shall go forth and cleanseth the galaxy of the accursed breathers of air.

Bec:
-nods and smiles, gauging her chances of escape-

Gazurtoid:
Reflect upon thyself and be appalled! For art thou not the accursed abomination? And so shall I raiseth my tentacle and smite thee!

Bec:
-decides that this is her cue, terminates communications and runs-

Bec:
Greetings from the people of Arth.

Thrynn:
We arre ThynynThyrnn of the Thrynn Confederracyy. We arre the ellite guarrrd. Whyy do you haill usss?

Castor(engineer): Captain, we are being scanned.

Bec: (groan)

Thrynn:
Ssso you arrre friendss withh the Elllowann. Ourr scannersss sshow they arre aboarrd yourr sship. Mossst rregrretable.

Bec: Fuck.

Thrynn:
-terminate communications and start blasting-

Bec:
-runs away-

You. Are. Insane.