The docking bay was a hive of activity, but the large observation deck was pretty quiet. There were only a few couples and individuals inside, and no one looked at her when she came in. She took a seat facing the window and watched the distant activity below.

He was probably talking about Kat and Nathan. He couldn't get close enough to tell either of them anything without risking a mortal wound. He'd never chance that. She knew that with the same certainty she knew she would never do something like that. Risking oneself to injure other people was the last of last resorts; Dominic would never have taken himself and his brother into combat if he'd thought there was a chance they might lose, and putting himself into a threatening situation to try to convince people like Nathan or Katera Terrence that it hadn't really been him trying to kill them four years ago was simply not a possible option.

She was angry. Dominic's intrusion on her pleasantly organized existence had been disruptive, in more ways than one. Meeting Kat had put her on guard, and that had been thrilling. They had an understanding. She trusted Kat, and that made her safe to play with. She knew the rules for that game. Dominic didn't follow any rules. He manipulated, he lied, and he took without asking when it was convenient to do so.

When she was fifteen, that had appealed to her. In a way, he had been what she aspired to be; cold, precise, merciless in the pursuit of her goals, a person entirely free of moral obligation. No regret, no attachment, just what she wanted, when she wanted it, and nothing else. Meeting Jordan had ruined a lot of that for her, and meeting Dominic had offered her a glimpse of what it could have been like. He'd been enticingly cruel, and then overwhelmingly cruel, and she had learned a lot about what qualities she did and did not desire in a mate.

Now, as she sat alone and remembered the angry disgust she'd felt listening to his snide insinuation, she learned what qualities she did and did not desire in herself. Wick had never mastered the art of lying to herself, but it was a slow, painful process.

If I had been what I wanted to be then, I would have acted differently. I could have made Jordan my pet instead of my companion. I would have used him to learn what I needed to learn. How to control people. How to keep my temper. When we got to Command School, I would have used him other ways, for sex and for pleasure. My pleasure. If I had been what I wanted to be, the engineering bay would have blown open when that Talon exploded and swept all my problems out into space, and I would have been looking for a new boy the next morning.

Instead, I let him become my equal. I let him challenge me, and I pretended to myself that I was the one in control...but I gave up that control. I fell in love with him. Love can't be controlled. What if I'd fallen in love with...with Dominic? The idea made her shiver. Dominic would have treated her the same way she had wanted to treat Jordan - as an object, a toy with some minor educational and entertainment value, to be played with and cast aside when it wasn't fun anymore.

The idea of that happening to her made her shiver. The idea of it happening to Jordan made her furious, and there was only one target for that particular anger to fall on.

I wanted to be like that. I wasn't, but I kept trying. What am I now? I lied to Jordan when it was convenient. I drove him away and then yanked him back. I never gave him a chance to breathe. I didn't want him to look at me too closely. I'm not Dominic. I love. I lied to Jor about Dominic because I love him - not to spare him pain, but to spare myself. That's not love.

I can't be like Dominic anymore. I've been ruined for it. I traded that part of myself away, and I got Jordan instead. That should be enough. He doesn't have to know anything about what I did with Dominic. He knows who and what I am. He doesn't have to know the details to love me, and I love him. That's what matters now, isn't it? I've given enough away for him already. Why complicate things?

She didn't want to answer her own question, but it was burning too brightly now for her to overlook it.

Because I love him, I do fucking love him. That's real, even if nothing else is, and his love can't be real until he knows. His love isn't for [i]me until he knows, I want what I paid for. I don't have anything else.

What's the point of sacrificing my autonomy if I don't get something pure for it?[/i]